Tuesday, October 18, 2005

i actually wanted to blog sth nice and sweet... but i decided not to..

beacuse i realise... my life is not sweet`

hmm`

my dad just lost his job`

so sian right`

realli dunno wad to do... with all those problems cropping up in my hse...

my studies, my mum, my bro` and all...

how i wish i had already stepped out to work`
there is a reason that all these years i nv dreamt to study in a university, beacuse i knew my parents wun be able to afford it. i wan their life to be at ease. i tried not to spend so much`
but no matter how hard i do` the money is always not enough`

hmm hmm`

we had gone thru this period, and now have to go thru it again` i am realli afraid to live this life... i noe i am juz being weak, but i cant help it, but to feel that i can have better life than this.. ppl nv noe how hard it is to work so hard every hols. i worked hard for it.. for the money` i didnt manage to control my money. it went to the family. it is not for me. so dun ask me y i dun have ani new things or so. that is because the money is not for me. i hope my children in future will not have to go thru this. because i do. i know how hard it is. i know how self-proclaimed "adults" love to make use and bully of "temp" staff. it is good learning. but sure. issit too harsh for us to take "adults" responsibility, "adult" blame, and "adult" job scope? so wiierd huh`

now. dreams are dash. i dunno wad to look for in life? i used to look forward to dreams in future. to be a sucessful person. but i doubt that.
at different pts of my life, i actually dream to get married. with egg egg and all that. but. that equals to more responsibility. and i dunno wad is realli suitable for me. he gave me all the dreams. but sometimes.

i hope that i will go thru this period soon. i am just too tired to face all these. with all the burden and all.

i actually realli realli sick and tired of working. tat i actually wan to puke when i think of gg to work. yucks. negative. negative. negative.

i dunno y also. cos. i keep on feeling sick. from secondary sch till now. constant headaches. wanting to vomit in the morns. flu. giddiness. i am sick.

the times when my mum is sick. i am so busy with my projects that i dun even have time to concern abt her. i am so guilty. my tears drop every moment i think of it.

the times my dad need me i am not there.

the times i should have control my temper i didnt.

the times when i should really trust him. i didnt.
because. i know. a guy can give u alot of sweet talks. and dote on u like anything. but. he can still turn his back on u. i am hurt. can i pretend that i am not? i really need to fang xia guo qu...

= feeling the tiredness in life =
wad is there to live to?